Surf Shop Revitalization Act - Ensuring Authenticity in Surf Retail

Introduction

On February 14, in the year of our Lord 2025, the CEO of America, with bipartisan support from the legislature and overwhelming public approval, passed the Surf Shop Revitalization Act. This broad-sweeping legislation ensures that the American public will no longer be deceived by merchants falsely claiming to operate authentic surf shops.

Defining a True Surf Shop

To qualify as a surf shop, an establishment must meet the following criteria:

Offer no fewer than 10 surfboards for sale.
Have distinct sections for new and used surfboards.
Include a consignment rack for surfboards.
Ensure bodyboards are at least two board lengths away from surfboards.
Stock essential surf accessories such as leashes, wax, fins, boardshorts, and climate-appropriate wetsuits.
Provide at least one ding repair kit or offer ding repair services on-site.

Restrictions on Misrepresentation

Establishments failing to meet these criteria will no longer be allowed to use the term “surf shop” under penalty of property forfeiture and imprisonment of the owner, as per code B-69-420.

Stores that sell only apparel and beach accessories must be designated as “Beach Stores” and are required to display a visible sign at all entrances stating “No Surfboards” in five languages, under penalty of death by ocean.

Compliance and Permits

Surf Shop and Beach Store permits can be obtained by emailing supremeoverlord@realdopeshit.com and paying a small administrative fee.

Examples of Qualifying Surf Shops

Cleanline Surf Shop in Seaside, OR
Proof Lab Surf Shop in Mill City, CA
Surf N Sea Surf Shop in Haleiwa, HI

Conclusion

This act will ensure that waves and the surfing community are honored for generations to come.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Legal Code: B-69-420

Surf Shop Revitalization Act

An Act

To establish and regulate the qualifications necessary for an establishment to be designated as a “Surf Shop” and to impose restrictions and penalties on misrepresentation in surf-related retail industries.

Be it enacted by the Legislative Authority of the United States of America, with the full force and effect of law:
Section 1. Title

This Act shall be known and may be cited as the Surf Shop Revitalization Act (“The Act”).
Section 2. Purpose

The purpose of this Act is to establish clear and enforceable guidelines for the designation of retail establishments as Surf Shops, ensuring the integrity of surf-related commerce and protecting consumers from deceptive marketing practices.
Section 3. Definitions

For the purposes of this Act:

    "Surf Shop" shall mean a retail establishment that meets the qualifications set forth in Section 4 of this Act.
    "Beach Store" shall mean a retail establishment engaged primarily in the sale of apparel, beach accessories, or other non-surfboard-related merchandise, as further defined in Section 5.
    "Board" shall refer to the Surf Retail Compliance Board established under this Act to oversee enforcement and compliance.
    "Owner" shall mean any person or legal entity that operates a commercial establishment subject to this Act.

Section 4. Surf Shop Qualification Requirements

An establishment shall be legally permitted to refer to itself as a "Surf Shop" only if it meets all of the following criteria:

(a) Maintains no fewer than ten (10) surfboards available for sale at all times.
(b) Designates separate sections within the establishment for new and used surfboards.
(c) Provides a consignment rack for surfboards available for third-party sale.
(d) Separates bodyboard-related merchandise by a minimum distance of two (2) surfboard lengths from surfboards.
(e) Stocks all essential surf-related accessories, including but not limited to:

    Surfboard leashes
    Leash strings
    Wax
    Fins
    Boardshorts
    Wetsuits appropriate for the local climate
    (f) Offers at least one (1) method of surfboard ding repair on-site, either through a repair kit or in-house repair service.

Failure to comply with the provisions of this section shall subject the establishment to enforcement actions under Section 7.
Section 5. Beach Store Designation

(a) Any retail establishment engaged in the sale of beach apparel, accessories, or other related goods but failing to meet the criteria set forth in Section 4 shall be designated as a "Beach Store."
(b) All Beach Stores shall display, in a conspicuous location at each entrance, signage that reads:

    “NO SURFBOARDS”
    in a minimum of five (5) languages, including English and Spanish.
    (c) Failure to comply with this signage requirement shall result in penalties outlined in Section 7.

Section 6. Permitting and Compliance

(a) Any establishment seeking to operate as a Surf Shop or Beach Store must obtain a permit from the Surf Retail Compliance Board by submitting an application to supremeoverlord@realdopeshit.com and paying the requisite administrative fee.
(b) Permits must be renewed annually and are subject to compliance inspections.
Section 7. Penalties and Enforcement

(a) Any owner or operator of an establishment that falsely advertises itself as a Surf Shop without meeting the requirements set forth in Section 4 shall be subject to the following penalties:

    First Violation: A fine not to exceed $10,000 and death by ocean.
    Second Violation: A fine not to exceed $50,000 and forfeiture of all surf-related inventory and death by ocean.
    Third Violation: Permanent revocation of business license, forfeiture of property, and imprisonment of the owner for a period not to exceed five (5) years and death by ocean.
    (b) Any Beach Store failing to display the required signage under Section 5 shall be subject to a mandatory civil fine of no less than $5,000 per month of noncompliance.
    (c) In the case of extreme or willful noncompliance, the penalty of death by ocean may be enforced by order of the Surf Retail Compliance Board.

Section 8. Effective Date

This Act shall take effect on February 14, 2025.
Section 9. Severability Clause

If any provision of this Act or its application is held invalid, the remainder of the Act shall not be affected and shall continue in full force and effect.